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Performance of a Lifetime

by August, Yours Truly

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1.
Like a good girl Wrought through the furnace Plastic tiara, neurodivergent Basking in a sea of holy would-be virgins You are so close to me And I have not been honest for so long As I look through you To the creature on the other side I may not be proud but I refuse to be ashamed Lo and behold, my performance of a lifetime
2.
So there I was Standing on a cliffside My eye wandering over a city full of lost people Lost souls that never really connected with me People you feel alone with And I remember thinking well If im not yours What am I? And it's funny now But it wasn't then Everything I did to please those people To appease those people A song and dance A show that everybody knows And everybody loves And they applaud Not because of who you are, or who I am but because we are the same kind of people Who believe the same kinds of things And heaven forbid I'm something different That there's something at the very center of me That tells me I might be something else That I'm not supposed to be here And if I'm not yours What am I? If I'm not yours What am I? Well if I'm not yours Well, What am I? What am I? (what you are about to hear about today, is nothing short of a miracle) And there on that cliffside As I learned to let myself live A creature appeared from the valley A multicolour vision With wings like I didn't have With eyes, reflective and built to last And I was scared then But I took his hand all the same And I could feel the earth shake beneath us I could hear the voices of those lost souls I could feel the eyes of god upon me And I met his gaze And asked If I'm not yours What am I? If I'm not yours What am I? Well if I'm not yours Well, What am I? What am I? Oh, is it here already? Some sense of finality, so soon Can you believe the way I used to love you But it doesn't matter now As the ocean levels keep rising And the audience keeps smiling I'll continue to dance Until the end of time God, I meant to be so much more to you But look at me now Thinking about what could have been What could have happened All those years ago
3.
If youre not surreal Are you even real What makes you different Tell me, what makes you different Why do you walk like that Why do you wear like that Whats your statement Sacrifice A brutal display of devotion The entire thing revolves around devotion and sacrifice And some things I wonder Sometimes I wonder Is there any other way I crave attention Brutal display The animals on the screen Do you wish you could do the same I never wanted to be anything less than perfect Maybe that was something you gave to me Winners smile, a loser's complextion Just like the others Just like the others Now I'm just another guy It calls my name And I feel the same Do you feel it too? Dirt under my rotten nails That ive neglected to replace Old judgements ive raised from the dead A parasite burrowing through My hardened narrow mind It controls me Or do I control it You tell me I can control how I react Quiet judgements That grow in the quiet night Is healing a raging bull Is peace a quiet observer Lantern in hand, throat slit bleeding He knows my name And the weight it carries Quiet judgements That grow in the quiet night Is healing a raging bull Is peace a quiet observer Lantern in hand, throat slit bleeding He knows my name And the weight it carries Heavy sigh That hangs in hereditary tension You dont respond When I speak to you I dont respond When you ask me questions Perhaps silence Is the final answer As I listen to your words They cut me to pieces But I cannot move Or even begin to change I can only describe it as Easy listening (You may ask me how I know my god is real) Years later, here I am Speaking in tongues of my own Just a stones throw, home grown A meager lesson when you grab the phone (A machine ever churning My mind ever questioning) You know you're alone (And I hold the blade between my teeth) Butterflies of a certain kind In highschool art class I always liked how gravelly his voice was But I chose a different path If I could just find the perfect moment To recede And show you every single part that lies inside of me That'd be fine with me (Sacrifice) There's a creature in the valley And I want to know his name He approaches when the sun's down (Brutal devotion to sacrifice) He's a mirror, we're the same And I feel like, I feel- I really feel like I'm seeing you for the first time The first time Like I'm seeing you for the very first time You wanted attention Now you'll get what you deserve If I could just find myself in that valley That mirror, that alley I can hear the audience around me They demand a good show And I'll give it to them I always do
4.
Break the wall of expectation and I garentee you'll find something there I've been moving through rooms like a ghost Waiting for someone to scare And I have nothing left I swear to god, that's what he tells me And I have nothing left to say I feign ignorance God, Thats what I'm good for That's what I do most days And I feel the blood race to my skin just like a hermit Exposed for the very first time I keep looking for glimpses in mirrors Waiting for the perfect time Oh, creature Is there nothing left to say? Creature, I wanna do it like you Creature I wanna do it like you And so I reach out As a faint and desperate showman Catching a plummeting knife You can cut me God, I know you want to I'm going to live my life And so I balance my back to the measure And I ready my feet on the stage My performance of a lifetime It's going to end today My performance of a lifetime It's going to end today Creature
5.
In The Reeds 02:55
And it goes back Something like a strange melody I can't place it What do you want from me? What do you want from me? Something in my spirit I cannot save you, its not within me But I want you to be alive And I want you to be happy And I don't know how to reconcile these two things If being alive makes you unhappy If being alive makes you unhappy They say life is a magic trick You disapear in a puff of smoke You release your stress in a puff of smoke Or so I'm told you watch videos of sex and violence because its the only thing your skin can feel anymore Youre addicted to vaping You have daddy issues And I'm here watching the whole thing go up in flames What can I do to help a dying world What can I do to help a dying person A living eulogy to hold hands with A forgettable memory I can't seem to recall And here in the reeds I feel disgusting I hate what I feel and I hate what I think about And I think about you I think about you way too god damn much And I don't know what to do about it I don't know what to do about it Oh valley creature You're the only one who understands me How much of myself do I see in you? And how much of my skin do I wear just for show? But its the show that keeps me going The perception, the all knowing The middle ground that dictates How you act around certain people In your bedroom, by the steeple And if I can control that I can control everything But what if I'm losing ground What if I'm losing you What if I'm losing everything Something in his eyes Something in her words I stop and think There's an audience behind me Do I even have the strength to say? No, no Not today
6.
The Stage 05:12
And so the- Evil cycle goes on and on Do you want your son enticed into the world of homosexuals? Or your daughter, lured into lesbiansim? Do you want them to lose all chance, of a normal, happy, married life? It was a great rush of wind That took the stage Took all the ceramics off my face And I remember seeing visions Of people that care While you shaved your head, and I grew my hair Afraid of the judgement Afraid of the love Too many afflictions Perhaps not enough And back on that stage again Imagining strangers Imagining friends They tell me, son This is the end And I try To hide But it's over now On the stage I'm saved, but It's over now Liar, a liar Inside a glass box Is it performative To change how you talk? Performer, performer Unlearn to repress Is it performative To change how you dress? You might not accept What I haven't shown You don't need to believe me Just need you to know And back on that stage again Imagining family Imagining friends They tell me, son This is the end And I try, to hide But, It's over now On the stage I'm saved, but It's over now
7.
Affirmations 04:19
You love me for who I am It's nothing I could help It's nothing I could change You love me for who I am It's nothing I could help It's nothing I could change (You do love me, don't you?) You love me for who I am It's nothing I could help It's nothing I could change (Well, there'll be others I suppose) You love me for who I am It's nothing I could help It's nothing I could change (Beautiful, and you think that's all that matters?) (Jack's awfully handsome) (...Mom?) You love me for who I am It's nothing I could help It's nothing I could change You love me for who I am It's nothing I could help It's nothing I could change You love me for who I am It's nothing I could help It's nothing I could change You love me for who I am It's nothing I could help It's nothing I could change (You don't seem to understand what love is really about)
8.
My friend, here we are again Trapped in some reliquary dream I am an empty vessel There is nothing left within me Oh Augustine, Your delusions Are so close to me Sometimes I wish I knew What you would do to me Begging for your attention It's not fair Your laughter, my air Oh reliquary dream, Oh Augustine How you ruin me Graphs and kerosene Oh Augustine, now she knows You've ruined me The way they cheer So desperately I love the way your touch is always heavenly But darling, most of all I love how you love me (I love how you love me) I love how you hug me (I love how you hug me) I love how you squeeze me, tease me, please me Love how you love me I love how you love me
9.
I kept telling myself It's just a stage Just a stage Achieving effortless fluidity Not that hard for me, in theory Beginning to reject modernity And masculinity, to some degree I see little pieces of broken glass That glitter in the light of passing cars It's beautiful So am I Sitting across from you, I have to wonder Is this the end of all we know? The moment where everything changes Spending minutes thinking it over And years undoing the damage Could that be us? This bout of solipsism Will come to an end And I will face the judgement I so closely fear And I'll be okay, no matter what I will be But I would love for you to meet me there And I would love for you to see me As I am So look upon me, all you who doubt And witness my transformation Witness the end of days And reject me Like I know you want to So I turn to my audience And there they are Giving to me what I couldn't get From you And it's beautiful So am I Living for the applause An auditory shelter So temporary So temporary But I can stay here for a moment I can stay here for just a moment
10.
Circus Heart 07:28
And so here I am Between lights of every colour Breaking down again for no particular reason The ghost of an audience still in my mind And I know you can still see me But I still question how real my flesh is How tangible my spirit stays Maybe I could have done something more To make you stay To make you love me Like I so desperately desire Perhaps I've overstayed my welcome Be still, my circus heart That performs for no one All the time Be still, for there is only silence now And as expected, it's the end You leave me helpless yet again Was I a fool for having believed in you For thinking that I was worth the feeling Or anything at all Oh Augustine, look what you did to me An infinite perfomer Changing songs like pale faces Born to pretend And feel strange in most spaces Bleeding on stage to be loved and aplauded Because all I ever wanted was to be seen and acknowleded All I ever wanted was friends All I ever wanted But no matter what I still remain And as long as I shall live Then the show, my friend, must go on
11.

about

Performance of a Lifetime is a concept album exploring how we perform ourselves to one another. The way we perform gender identity, sexuality, our "artist" personas. This record is intensely personal, exploring my relationship with queer identity, and the many ways I have struggled with coming to terms with it.
It also talks about being an artist and trying so hard to connect with other people.
My worries of not being accepted as an artist, as a queer person, as a friend, and as a son. It explores the duality of confidence and loneliness, the highs of being seen and the lows of feeling abandoned.

Sonically, it takes on more of an art rock direction, with driving distorted drums in the first half, and quiet sentimental piano and synth sections in the second half.

I have worked so hard on this album, I didn't want to release it until I felt it was my best project yet. I think it is. I am very proud of this album, I hope you connect with it in some way. Thank you so much.

Yours truly,

Taylor

credits

released June 1, 2022

I could not have finished this album without my good friend Cole (of his band Typing Pool, which you should listen to) and his contributions to this album. He plays live drums and piano on many of the songs here, and his instrumentation helped drive the sound of this album. Without him this wouldn't have been possible.
Thank you to Li for helping with advice and direction over this whole process. As well for additional vocals on Creature Beautiful. She acted as a friend and confidant over this process.

Thank you to RedPaw Mastering for professionally mastering this record! He gave it the real kick it needed to come to life.

Thank you as well to Ricky Christian for providing the saxophone on the intro track and Agatha Fae Thorne for providing additional vocal samples on Creature Beautiful and Circus Heart.

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August, Yours Truly Toronto, Ontario

Lovingly haunted

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